The Notebooks
of F. Scott Fitzgerald


(E) Epigrams, Wise Cracks and Jokes

313

A man says to another man: “I’d certainly like to steal your girl. Second man: “I’d give her to you, but she’s part of a set.”

314

Has D.P. injured you anyway. No, but don’t remind her. Maybe she hasn’t done her bad deed for the day.

315

The movies are the only court where the judge goes to the lawyer for advice.

316

Show me a hero and I will write you a tragedy.

317

Not a word in the Roosevelt inaugural was as logical as Zangara saying he shot at Roosevelt because he had a stomach ache.

318

Agility (vitality)—pleasing people you perversely shouldn’t please and can’t reach.

319

Her unselfishness came in pretty small packages well wrapped.

320

After all the portrait of an old shoe by Van Gogh hangs in the Louvre, but where is there a portrait of Van Gogh by an old shoe.

321

Berry Wall. He doesn’t dare go back. He was drafted for the Civil War and he doesn’t know it’s over.

322

Optimism is the content of small men in high places.

323

Send up a fat bell boy and a whip.

324

She’s bashful. She has small pox. She stumbles so she couldn’t get up.

325

Wouldn’t a girl rather have half of him than a whole Spic with a jar of pomade thrown in? Life was so badly arranged—better no women at all than only one woman.

326

One of those tragic efforts like repainting your half of a delapidated double house.

327

Bryan to Darrow. Fellow Apes of the Scopes trial.

328

Trying to support a large and constantly increasing French family who jokingly referred to themselves as “our servants.”

329

Sent a girl flowers on Mother’s Day.

330

You don’t write because you want to say something; you write because you’ve got something to say.

331

The cleft palate (crested parrot): “Bring it along.” “Can’t very well leave it home.”

332

Genius is the ability to put into effect what is in your mind. There’s no other definition of it.

333

Get a man for Elspeth, a man for Elspeth, was the cry. This was difficult because Elspeth had had so many men. Two of her sisters rode, so to speak, Elspeth’s discarded mounts.

334

Nervous system from Pthodemy Club (Dean Clark’s)

335

Switzerland is a country where very few things begin, but many things end.

336

A machine for blowing the movable snot from the nasal cavities of

337

No such word in the English language as Cannes.

338

An American—Ou allez-vous pour les huitre (meaning Easter.)

339

Irish chemist.

340

Cotton manufacturer who worries because African chiefs go in for rayon.

341

No grand idea was ever born in a conference but a lot of foolish ideas have died there.

342

Ye Old Hooke Shoppe

343

Movie man says about engaged current mistress of

344

Genius goes around the world in its youth incessantly apologizing for having large feet. What wonder that later in life it should be inclined to raise those feet too swiftly to fools and bores.

345

Death in most countries is considered practically fatal.

346

When anyone announces to you how little they drink you can- be sure it’s a regime they just started.

347

Thank gravity for working your bowels.

348

No such thing as a man willing to be honest—that would be like a blind man willing to see.

349

Hospitality is a wonderful thing. If people really want you they’ll have you even if the cook has just died in the house of small-pox.

350

Suddenly he turned in bed and put both his arms around her arm. Her free hand touched his hair.
“You’ve been bad,” she said.
“I can’t help it.”
She sat with him silently for half an hour; then she changed her position so that her arm was under his head. Stooping over him, she kissed him on the brow. (See Two Wrongs.)

351

Any walk through a park that runs between a double line of mangy trees and passes brazenly by the ladies’ toilet is invariably known as “Lover’s Lane.”

352

Gynecologist to trace his pedigree.

353

Women are going to refuse to build with anything but crushed brick.

354

Not 1% of the dressed up biddies of the Junior League could possibly be regarded as ladies except by each other.

355

Brushes called Andy and Bill Gump

356

Few people die of sin, but a complications of sins

357

The Black Shirt
The Brown Shirt
The Stuffed Shirt

358

Wanted for
6 C. grade for pipe laying
1 A grade moron (experienced foreman)
2 B grade imbeciles 3 o’clock ask for Mr. Jones

359

Magazine—the Parlor Pink

360

Proud words that eventually revenged themselves by meaning nothing at all

361

One of toughs: he’s rich, he’s got caviare between his teeth

362

Secret of the Balkans

363

Blackmail “Made sweet moan”

364

Shy beaten man named Victor
Clumsy girls named Grace
Great truck drivers named Earl and Cecil

365

She was one of those people who would just as soon starve in a garret with a man—if she didn’t have to.

366

Beatrice Lillie broke up the British Empire with “March to the Roll of the Drums”

367

Mencken forgives much to the Catholic church perhaps because it has an index

368

All my characters killed each other off in the first act because I couldn’t think of any more hard boiled things for them to say.

369

They thought a child would be nice too because they had a nursery and the Harold Lloyds had one.

370

They have more money (Earnest’s wisecrack)

371

She’s got to be a loyal, frank person if she’s got to bitch everyone in the world to do it.

372

For a statesman—any school child knows that hot air rises to the top

373

Nothing to do but marry them (the Murphys)

374

Suicide and wife arrive in Cuba.

375

Let’s all live together.

376

Debut—the first time a young girl is seen drunk in public.

377

He repeated to himself an old French proverb he had made up that morning.

378

A sleeping porch is a back room with no pictures on the walls. It should contain at least one window.

379

Kill the scrub sire is our slogan.

380

Why can’t you be square? Well, when I was young I used to play with old automobile tires.

381

Forgotten is forgiven.

382

If all your clothes are worn to the same state it means you go out too much.

383

American actresses now use European convents as a sort of female Muldoon’s.

384

You must stoop a little in order to jump.

385

For a car—Excuse my lust.

386

Andre Gide lifted himself by his own jockstrap so to speak—and one would like to see him hoisted on his own pedarasty.

387

Creditors’ jokes

388

Like the man that crossed the ocean three times on the same woman.

389

Test of a good mind.

390

The guy that played Sergeant Quirt in Romeo & Juliet.

391

A poet named Constantly Aching did all the plagiarism for me.

392

Three men better known as Christ’s nails.

393

The spiritual stomach of the race was ruined those fifty years when mid-western women didn’t go to the toilet.

394

Take us to the Cambridge Legs—I mean the Cambridge Arms. Or any place around there.

395

To bring on the revolution it may be necessary to work inside the communist party.

396

They try to be Jesus (Forsyth) while I only attempt to be God, which is easier.

397

He said: Our Rhododendrons (roads are demned ’uns)

398

He had Cheyne-Store breathing.

399

To most women art is a form of scandal.

400

Impersonating 46 Presidents at once.

401

All things come to him who mates.

402

Trained nurses on duty should not be allowed to talk in their sleep.

403

“What kind of man was he?”
“Well, he was one of those men who come in a door and make any woman with them look guilty.”

404

Grown up, and that is a terribly hard thing to do. It is much easier to skip it and go from one childhood to another.

405

We put an ashtray in the window (for a lamp).

406

I’m on such a rigid diet they won’t even let me lick a stamp.

407

Dietitians: They have made great progress in the last few years. They know pretty definitely that bichloride of mercury or arsenic in the right dose will kill you and that food should probably be eaten rather than taken in gas form or over the radio.

408

Honi soit que Malibu

409

1870 made Clemenceau and Clemenceau made 1933

410

Trained nurses who eat as if they didn’t own the food but it was just lent them.

411

parked his pessimism in her sun-parlour.

412

No such thing as graceful old age

413

Vitality shows in not only the ability to persist but the ability to start over.

414

Bookkeeping is a subject without sex appeal

415

What is the point at which loan becomes property of loanee and at the offer of a refund one says “But I don’t like to take your money.” What is the point when one accepts return of loan with most profuse thanks.

416

The inevitable shallowness that goes with people who have learned everything by experience.

417

Somebody’s specimen hijacked on way to doctor’s.

418

The biggest temptation we can offer people to let us talk is to cry “say” (or dites) to them

419

“EX-WHITE-SLAVER,”—the authorship being identified with touching modesty as “By a Man Who Still is One.”

420

“This isn’t the south. This is the center of the country. We’re only polite half the time.”

421

“What’ll we do with the animals when you’re away?”
“You mean the roaches in the kitchen? We’ll leave those with the veterinarian—he’ll take care of them.”

422

A girl with ankles like that has no privileges.

423

I’m going through the crises of my life like railroad ties.

424

I’m from Washington
Fine—what’s the news from Moronsville

425

Lincoln’s “all the people.”

426

For Esther M. in memory of an old friendship or a prolonged quarrel that has gone on so long and accumulated so much moss that it is much the same thing.

427

Mr. and Mrs. Jay O’Brien moving like the center of population.

428

There are no second acts in American lives.

429

My Spitback, my Error, my Mistake (for divorsed husband)

430

Somewhat relieved to find he was fired—he had, so to speak, stuck it out to the end.

431

“I can’t pay you much,” said the editor to the author, “but I can give you some good publicity.”
“I can’t pay you much,” said the advertiser to the editor, “but I can give you some beautiful ads.”

432

God appears to man who discovers that he has unmistakable Japanese features.

433

When he buys his ties he has to ask if gin will make them run.

434

Pacifism like bringing boy up to have brown skin on his—

435

Very bad jokes should be known as “employer’s jokes” or “creditor’s jokes.” The listener has to laugh heartily so it seems wasteful to use up a good story on him.

436

The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female reptile, implying in a subtle, complimentary way that she was as succulent as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before.

437

You are contemplating a gigantic merger between J.P. Morgan and the Queensboro Bridge.

438

To Mathews: I certainly do wish I could grow up like you fellows and write about all the wonderful things that are happening in the newspapers. But here I sit like a big fat fairy thinking that maybe if I really knew why (club stuff here) I would really know almost as much about the social revolution as those deep thinkers Mike Gold ect.

439

Beware of him who would give his last sou to a beggar in the street. He would also give it to you and that is something you would not be able to endure.

440

Fashion Blessing. Think how many flappers would have been strangled like Porphyria except for bobbed hair.

441

Don’t get thinking it’s a real country because you can get a lot of high school kids into gym suits and have them spell out “bananas” for the news reels.

442

I used to hie you up to a nervous excitement that bore a resemblance to intelligence.

443

The priesthood: a method eating the cake of Christian ascetism and having it too.

444

I may be just an old visionary—but I seem to see Scottie walking around without overshoes.

445

Turnbull idea—Neo-post-thoreau

446

The young architect referred to women’s protuberances as “flying buttresses.”

447

It grows harder to write because there is much less weather than when I was a boy and practically no men and women at all.

1720

The 20th Century reached New York an hour late, and the station master made it back all the way to Chicago to get an excuse.

1728

Pershing shot for cowardice in 1918.

1732

The aristocracy can remake their manners overnight—if it were not for the philosophy of his story, the world would be governed by Louis-Phillipes (and Mary Harrimans)

1738

Of a man: It never entered his head that he was somewhat of a liability.

1751

Oh, I can cover paper like you do till I’m ninety.

1760

At M.I.T., he studied birth control, flood control, self control and remote control.

1777

One of those mysteries like why Southerners have big ears, and why chess is listed in the sporting news.

1788

Invention of two-end cork tip cigs.

1790

At Groton they have to sleep in gold cubicles and wash at an old platinum pump. This toughens them up so they can refuse to help the poor.

1797

“Wealth, wit and beauty of two continents.” “What’s the other continent?” “Africa. Starks is from Africa.”

1799

“When I go to bed at night, I put on so many blankets that I have to put a book-mark in to tell me where to get out.”
Nora Flynn.

1802

A movie wedding. Ushers were Harold Lloyd, Victor Varconi, Ronald Coleman, and Donald Duck.


Next: F: Feelings & Emotions (without girls).


Переводы: E: Эпиграммы, шутки (разные переводчики).

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